Alright, alright, so i flunked again. Yeah, i did.
Working for late hours, long days and endless weeks. But for some odd reason, it doesn't seem like a long time that there days weren't merging together so often. Now i have it i can't even remember what i had for lunch yesterday, or for that matter who i had to call-back. But that's just my way of excusing myself from the responsibility. And to say that i wasn't responsible for all this would also mean that i was irresponsible. The good side of things is that my family and friends insist that it was probably for the best, and Allah works in mysterious ways. And i completely agree with it all, and without disagreeing with that i think there is also a flip side to such observations. (that last word is soooo accountant-like)
Nonetheless, my stand on such matters will, Allah willing, be a little different. Though i know my destiny is written, and my fate decided, and the who and the what already written about the curling pages of my life, yet the how... It is the how that i'm concerned about. And the how that i will hopefully write about while i'm here in my two minute of break, looking for some semblance of a normal existence. (don't get me wrong, i'm not locked in a dungeon or a tower, i'm just stuck in a profession that i'm not really fond of.)
a note to the critics: ofcourse this isn't coherent i'm not writing in one straight sitting, nor in one frame of mind. :P
Now where was i, hmmm, completely lost my train of thought.
I need to do one more thing, to take a stand on things, broad shoulders, and take responsibility of the fact which has been so evident to most around me from day one, and to me for some time. I'm not really made for this profession, i have file work, abhor desk jobs, and am absolutely in love with constant change, which i get the least in this job. Instead it's composed of bald old men, with no family life, the social life of a corpse constantly trying to make the better of us weird clones.
Better luck next time. Sounds like such a cliche, but remains one of the most said phrases at result time. Been there done that, didn't like it much.
And so, tomorrow a new day will dawn, another sunrise, another dawn, another wonderful morning, which will be missed because i... I will be asleep because i returned home an hour before the much awaited dawn.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Monday, August 22, 2005
holiday that won't come
Since blogging isn't that hard a sport i decided to do it using my phone. Though it is an honourable thought, keeping in mind my late hours at work and a terrible sleep cycle coupled with the worst of environments when it comes to timeliness, the charm of blogging has twofold advantage. I get to vent my anger and also get some space to speak out about the things that i wish to say most days but don't, due to my inherently respective (read sacred-because-i'll-get-fired) nature. The thing with blogging i find most soothing is that i can just let my mind flow, even with the constant peak's from my colleagues, the incessant asking me if i'm talking to a girl, the un-ending stares that i'm just sitting free (when infact i'm sick of having to wait the best and worst part of my day, spending most waking hours of my life, breathing the same rat filled air that is heavy with the stench of our neighbours fumigation when we need it more) and not really working or paying much attention to a client on which i've already spent some two hundred and seventy hours in the past twenty days.
The upside is that i don't have to follow strictly rat like hours, of nine to five, i don't really have to have an excuse when i leave early some days, though doing that has caused me much heartache in the past and hasn't really improved my health nor my status quo, but still. Like suddle so so aptly puts it, 'nokri kee, tay nakhra kee.'
And thus here i am in the middle of the night, after spending fourteen hours at work, two of which were spent hiccuping like a mad man, another two spent in a terribly hot room (more so because the air conditioning was off even though a separate unit has been installed, than me not knowing what i should've done), the rest, of the ample hours spent doing correction and re-correction of documents corrected a million times over the past few days, and will be corrected another million times over the next few. The saddest part of all, on a weekend, i get to speak all of five minutes with my family in the morning before coming to work. And ten with my friends who came to meet me here, during which ten minutes i was called twice to the 'ball-room'.
It's a sorry life, and worse still, a very lonely life when you come to realise that most of the work you do is, in all it's entirety, thankless, and the remaining amount inept.
But that's not what i wanted to rant about. This is a rant about not being able to blog any other time, so i decided to do it here, now, in the moment and in this lifetime. Because waiting for the right time, the right moment hasn't worked for me so far. Waiting for time never really works. Waiting for a holiday that won't come.
And a keyboard for my phone is still not available, so till such a time that it is or another alternative is available to typing rather than using my twelve digit keypad i will just have to bear with the poor punctuation, and sore thumbs.
The upside is that i don't have to follow strictly rat like hours, of nine to five, i don't really have to have an excuse when i leave early some days, though doing that has caused me much heartache in the past and hasn't really improved my health nor my status quo, but still. Like suddle so so aptly puts it, 'nokri kee, tay nakhra kee.'
And thus here i am in the middle of the night, after spending fourteen hours at work, two of which were spent hiccuping like a mad man, another two spent in a terribly hot room (more so because the air conditioning was off even though a separate unit has been installed, than me not knowing what i should've done), the rest, of the ample hours spent doing correction and re-correction of documents corrected a million times over the past few days, and will be corrected another million times over the next few. The saddest part of all, on a weekend, i get to speak all of five minutes with my family in the morning before coming to work. And ten with my friends who came to meet me here, during which ten minutes i was called twice to the 'ball-room'.
It's a sorry life, and worse still, a very lonely life when you come to realise that most of the work you do is, in all it's entirety, thankless, and the remaining amount inept.
But that's not what i wanted to rant about. This is a rant about not being able to blog any other time, so i decided to do it here, now, in the moment and in this lifetime. Because waiting for the right time, the right moment hasn't worked for me so far. Waiting for time never really works. Waiting for a holiday that won't come.
And a keyboard for my phone is still not available, so till such a time that it is or another alternative is available to typing rather than using my twelve digit keypad i will just have to bear with the poor punctuation, and sore thumbs.